As the line between entertainment and news has blurred in recent years, American politics - many would contend - has become little more than a popularity contest. Both the American public and media often seem more concerned with the personality and image of our politicians than their stance on key issues. Although there is certainly ample coverage of wars, protests, and key legislative hearings, there is greater interest in the personal lives of our politicians: their spotted histories, their secretive liaisons, and their musings on whether a Hillary Clinton nipple slip would make them even slightly aroused.

Moreover, given America’s emphasis on likability, it is unfortunate that our country’s second most high-ranking politician, Vice President Dick Cheney, is perceived as such a cold and sour asshole. Regardless of whether Cheney deserves this wrap, he’s still an important figure in American government, and as such, is worthy of at least a modicum of our support. Thus, in order to improve our Vice President’s stature, and in turn, create a more unified America, we need a Dick Cheney stuffed animal in the crib of every American baby.

At first, many Americans might not understand the appeal of a Dick Cheney stuffed animal, nor why they should buy one for their baby. When they envision their baby playing with one, after all, they might literally be envisioning the baby playing with a cold and sour asshole - which of course, is only fun for a limited period of time. However, stuffed animals are conventionally a favorite toy of babies, and the Dick Cheney stuffed animal would probably look less like an asshole and more like a mildly depressed version of Santa. After overcoming any initial reluctance, American parents will eventually realize that the Dick Cheney stuffed animal is not only a wonderful, fat, cuddly toy for their babies, but a unique opportunity to sew the seeds of patriotism. Certainly, once these parents (and their babies) embrace our Vice President in stuffed animal form, it will only be a matter of time before the rest of the country embraces him in real life. As a parallel, I am sure that if Tickle Me Elmo were ever to hold public office, he would have the country’s unwavering support.

In today’s America, as we battle job loss, a mortgage crisis, and a multitude of economic woes, we cannot afford for the Vice President of our country to be viewed with such personal disdain. For the sake of domestic unity, we must find the strength to look past our Vice President’s shortcomings; when the Cheney stuffed animal hits American markets, we must pledge to put them into the cribs of our babies. Maybe our babies will be scared shitless at first, but through their suffering, mark my words, they will become patriots.

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