Even those Americans who are staunch George W. Bush supporters sometimes question the man’s intelligence. Americans often chalk up his Ivy League education as a joke, made possible only because he comes from a family of money and influence - not to mention those rumors that Barbara Bush gave weekly lapdances to the Presidents of Yale and Harvard. Bush may have a great resume behind him, which includes the not too shabby title”43rd President of The United States of America,” but he still has an unpolished demeanor and says things like, “I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully.” (Saginaw, Mch., Sept. 29) Regardless of your political affiliation and personal feelings about George W. Bush, America would be well served to find out, once in for all, whether he’s smarter than he seems or whether he’s simply a doofus. In order to make this determination, however, America needs George W. Bush to redo grades 1-10, Billy Madison style.

As in the 1995 Adam Sandler smash-hit comedy, Bush would have exactly two weeks to pass each grade; otherwise, he would lose the challenge and be acknowledged as the dimwit that most people already believe him to be. Although it would probably take a fair deal of goading to convince Bush to return to school, particularly the lower grades where he would be forced to take a nap every day, I am confident that his chief staff members could win him over. This challenge, after all, would provide Bush the unique opportunity to convert some of his toughest critics, and to prove to Jeff Foxworthy, without even appearing on his show, that he is indeed “smarter than a fifth grader.”

Naturally, sending Bush back to elementary and middle school would pose some serious personal safety (ie. national security) concerns for the president. For example, what if he falls off the jungle gym and gets a boo boo? Or alternatively, what if the older kids beat him up for not sharing any of his oil during show and tell? Snack time also warrants extra attention, considering that Bush once lost consciousness (back in January of 2002) while eating a pretzel in the comfort of his own home; if he can’t eat a pretzel while watching a football game, how can he eat animal crackers while surrounded by the pressures of quizzes and duck, duck, goose? However, while these concerns are indeed serious, they do not overshadow the merits of Bush heading back to school, the ability for Bush to prove his intelligence, or lack thereof, with an almost scientific certainty. I mean, it worked for Billy Madison, so there’s not much reason to believe it wouldn’t work for President Bush.

America is a country that prides itself on finding answers to our time’s most difficult questions. Thus, now more than ever, it’s only appropriate for us to ask: is our president smarter than Billy Madison?

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